What do I want? I don’t think that I know. I haven’t settled into any routine of writing, and this was initially the whole idea of University life. I am enjoying myself more, I think. I am getting into playing sport, I have a fairly healthy outlook. I think I need to watch out about falling into a whole trap of getting complacent. That is probably the rational worry now. I am ill. I should try to accept this, as difficult as it is to be sanguine about such an abreaction(?).
I have some good ideas which I must develop. I must look into them and not be as scared as I have been about being less than excellent to start off with. I need to relax into it more. I have something I can build on, of that I should be certain.
Sal: she’s a sweetheart, of course, and as with all other times I can’t be sure of what to do. Do I pursure her more, what do I say to her etc etc. All things I never learned the hard way as most people do. Maybe (maybe!!!) that is something I need to settle before I can get into any other kind of routine. I am too perrennially restless right now. Too unsettled. It worries me.
I try to develop my will power but I don’t think it is something I can really trust.
I spend a lot of time following politics. I am passionate about it but I can’t know that it is healthy to do this.
I tried to give blood yesterday and they didn’t want it. I went for a run and I enjoyed it. (retrospective, I cannot remember this run but I suspected as I read it that I was trying to put a positive spin on things. Maybe I went with B_____ and “enjoyed” it in the way I tell myself I do when I feel as if I have willed myself to do something, but enjoyment is often absent when I run. It is something else altogether, not necessarily less valuable, perhaps far more so, but enjoyment is, I would suspect, with the detatchment I often feel from my past selves, disengenuous or euphemistic. I don’t say I fault it, however, if I was writing this, although it is not directly true of now as I write on the 20th July, 2000, I may have been down or worried about my illness.)
I haven’t got much work done over the holidays though. I know most people haven’t but they don’t spend so long trying; yes, maybe that is the problem, of course, but I can’t decide how seriously to take the possibility that I am ADHD. Who knows? I think there is a certain certainty about it that I don’t want to face up to. Tourette’s, ADHD, anxiety and nervous disorders, paranoia, delusions of grandeur, mania, depression, speech disorders, obsessional character. Maybe I should try to see a shrink. - - - - - - The antidepressants have been good in a lot of ways but I have heard too many horror stories to rationally apprehend that I am on to something good.
I should leave off the coffee I think.
Retrospective: Reading this I look at the last line, the constant trawl of slipping will power and realisations I have had so many times before and I think whaty would life be without this. I can only wryly smile. I am alive in what may even be the best possible way – though again I may be trying valiently to put an optimistic spin on it – I am aware of what life can and should be, and maybe it will not slip me by.