I got back a little while back and as usual I have searched for something to do, picking up my guitar to practise for a while the 12 bar blues I learnt last Wednesday. Of course, each day has gone past since then with me finding no time to practise. Almost a week and I’ve spent a total of an hour practising what I learnt. I spoke a little with M____ in the car, and congratulated myself on it, but it was scarcely a few minutes. We barely live together at all. Read the rest of this entry »
It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around. I’ve been feeling depressed for most of today, and ratty this morning, as I do intend to relate (I might even get around to it), but my mood began to lift a few minutes back. It may have been upon reading a completed e-mail I first drafted on paper for a student a year and a half ago. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m so far from everyone in my life right now. I have no way of communicating anything significant to anybody. Something’s got to give, but I can’t see how or when.
Doing the usual run back from the Woods, a delivery driver in a heavy goods vehicle slams into the back of the minibus. The driver, a Czech, is distraught, talking about how his company has not maintained the vehicles and he knew the braking was not anything like optimal. I comfort him. He knows little English and I interpret for him. I ask someone to roll him a cigarette and a student does so. I say I’ll stay with him and wait for the police. Read the rest of this entry »
Drawing flow charts for reveries and how they come about, and then moving on to brainstorm flow charts for others peculiarities of my personality. It’s Friday night. I realised this after thinking of texting my brother. He will be out somewhere. This led me to reflect on the differences between our lives and to question the extent of my own lapses of empathy for others - do I recognise this social life he has? This led me into a reverie.
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1> Rounding on a certain person at work due to his hostile stance when I load up the bus. I have been trying to put my finger on what I dislike about him [discussing same dislike at a peer supervision session] [slamming door of minibus when asked, in a straightforwardly hostile tone the guy has not yet produced, whether he can go, punching minibus walking down to narrowboat to sit, in some takes person in question coming down to apologise… crying now… being tearful in morning meeting and unable to respond or walking out. Key individuals I would like to feel more warm towards me seeing this. Asking kitchen staff if I could see the stock cube box they use to make the soup and the like. Doing so in an apologetic tone, ‘this might seem silly but…’ This after wondering whether it could have been the soup I had at lunch as opposed to the potato and celeriac mash that has made me so dreamy… My immediate boss making another comment about my ADD and me kicking and punching the new partition wall. This after wondering whether his comments earlier today could have had a negative effect on me he said if I don’t pay attention he can’t do anything for me (I had asked for a pay rise, saying I hadn’t received one. He told me today I had received one. I hadn’t checked my pay slips. Nor indeed could I find them.) … Me beating up wall again and going round to pick up students for the Woods bus after crying then splashing my face with water in the toilets. Jaffa asking where have you been? Me, having a fucking shit, now come on.] …for most of the day. Indeed, for the last few days when I have been working down the farm. I could in fact say, he has been one person I have been trying to [crying a lot now after a reverie in which I was queried about the broken partition wall, a workmate asking which student had done it, and me replying I had done it myself, and ‘coming out’ as ADHD saying that our boss had annoyed me by referring to my inability to pay attention, saying he wasn’t likely to do it again, this leading to our boss apologising in the morning meeting and praising me up, something that in the reverie I felt I could not deal with well, walking out of the meeting in tears, this a reflection of a statement about one student in today’s morning meeting, that he takes praise as being patronising] [This missing out a reverie in which I tell my next psychiatrist whom I’m hoping to get a referal to see in a few weeks’ time, that I have not been helped by anyone and have no reason to trust him; I forget the detail of this one].
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Had a meeting after work today and then went to the gym with []. I enjoyed it, but came back completely unable to concentrate. Certainly, I was that after the chili I had on my return.
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Objecting to definition of depression given by “expert” psychiatrist (from the Transactional Analysis school) at a training session at work, getting angry, talking about Churchill, then Spike Milligan, Tony Hancock, John Clees.
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(More items discovered on my floor having been taken up from the lounge which has become my workspace. I am now attempting to tidy my study, making it more welcoming so that I might not only spend more time in it, but also head straight for it, but also in the quixotic hope that less clutter will result in less distraction.)
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