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Sometime in the week I got to reading Driven to Distraction by Ratey and Hallowell, I think, a book about ADD. This had shot up my agenda with my disillusionment with my exclusion diet and with some shock which I can’t now place but which reminded me that I have a seriously destabilising disorder which will have to be diagnosed and medicated. This triggered a series of reveries. Read the rest of this entry »

Reverie: M____ Away, angry at how little time I have

 Being asked if I have contacted the man about the minibus test on my first day back at work. They were trying to get through to me on my mobile and I was ignoring them. Me repeatedly telling them I was on holiday. They asking if I regularly turned off my mobile, asking questions. Me, feeling like I had to constantly justify myself telling them yes. Saying I didn’t feel like I should have to justify myself and account for my movements when I am on holiday.

   Throwing my works phone to the guy who deals with them and saying people will be interested to find out the kind of practices they have.

Accompanied thoughts of going for a job teaching English. Perhaps triggered by a flick through a courses brochure with ESOL.

Background: resentful of how little time I have to myself and how there are forever so many demands on my time.

Dream:

My guitar neck had snapped. There was no truss rod. I was looking for replacement necks on E-bay, even kits to adapt for a Fender neck.

Background: money fears and fears over time. Accomplishing everything. The guy who sold the guitar talked about disliking the neck, not being able to get used to it. Me worried I have bad technique, in terms of my thumb position, and that perhaps the neck doesn’t help.

Practising yesterday after long period.

Reverie:

At Awards ceremony.

Threatening coke-heads in the toilets.

Accepting the award by thanking the person responsible for making the table arrangements because, despite the enormous number of idiots present in the large hall, they managed to place me with people I could get along with (often accompanies talking to Tony Harrison in Czech, sometimes thus excluding Alain de Botton).

Turning up casually dressed with a dog with a black tie, talking about “Sunday penitentials” or having written a letter about the same.

Her mouth, her vice and her manner, she seemed sexy.

That led to another reverie with Krystan Guru Murthy, discussing this typographical error which led feminists and others to criticise the book.

It should of course have read voice.

There have been many others. I’ve not been writing them down.

Dad and his aristocratic life. A guy who dropped his remote control – the gun – into his piss pot and who didn’t want his daughter to see it.

30^th – a little stressed and depressed today, and telling Nick Parks after, or possibly before Creature Comforts that I had been depressed and his cartoons had brought me round, with their “voices of the great British public”.

Telling Kristan today that I had fallen into the blackest depression after publishing my book. He had asked how I had celebrated.

A few days ago [now: 30^th October] I killed a man when he threatened Misa. It must have been walking back with Bails from getting out cash and seeing the human derelicts in the town centre at night. In the dock and being too stoic so as to risk being sent down.

2^nd November – I remember today a reverie from years ago. Trying to help a girl back into Uni by arguing for her. She had ME and had to leave. In the reveries she was coming back, and had not completed modules or some such. I argued onher behalf.

4^th Nov. See a car coming from London crashed and reverie of calmly veering round accidents etc. Dad does a Uee and rev. of explaining one to cops. Jury service letter and I’m leading a jury again doing nullification rights on a Melchett hatchet job, outlining the arguments.

12^th Nov.

Being on Millionaire with Chris Tarrant and doing well and being well liked. M___ at one point is ill and I look drained and unwell myself.

(coming back from dropping M___ off in London) The bus driver has a crash. I get off last and slap him round the shoulder and tell him we all have off days and not to worry. One take I give him some money and tell him to go have himself a drink.

Having a go at a guy from the company who deals with the CRBs after Mum said they came back after five weeks and said they couldn’t track him down.

Friday, 18 November 2005

Texting M____ about a form with Amber Aupairs, she wants me to ring them and I’m not sure what she wants. I say it might be better for her to write to them but I think maybe that makes her angry. Later I ring to ask what she wants. Meanwhile, I’m reading Czech newspapers. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable with her. I really don’t know what she wants me to ask and it could easily be a waste of time, but the thought does cross my mind that I want to study Czech because I haven’t been spending much time on it at all. I’ve been diverting my energies into everything else, Blair’s biography, philosophy, writing. But on reading – the reveries begin before I text her, perhaps – about the old demonstrations in Narodni Trida and a student who got beaten up – I have a reverie in which I am the Prime Minister and land on Vaclavske namesti in a [two rotor] helicopter with a bunch of flowers to put on Jan []’s memorial. The Communists had got back in. Paroubek has recently said that the commies are no longer a threat to democracy – at least, this is what I got from an MF Dnes headline. Other reveries I was there on private business since I have friends there, and since I go there so often on holiday I played down the significance of it and then asked for a visit, asking them to tell me why I should not withdraw all British embassy staff and ask other European countries to do the same.

Wednesday, 14 December 2005

I was in the college today for training. Yesterday too, when I dranki a hell of a lot of coffee and then came back to drink something with Ginseng. Perhaps it was that, but I was buzzing late. I worked a little – though I have been having a lot of reveries recently, perhaps because I’ve been having a lot of milk and cheese, although there is the possibility that I am simply noticing it more and it is always the same-starting work on something else I felt I might be able to finish in one sitting – that holy grail – a kind of discursory review called A Paean to Sally Lister which might one day form a part of Reasons to be Cheerfull. I was writing it – it had more or less turned into notes, although, there again it had more or less started out as such from the off – while listening to music, and the music was fantastic, since I haven’t been listening much to music for a long while. Thinking of it now there was a strand of reveries that I didn’t pick up on at the time which involved singing and dancing and miming playing the violin in Czech (Divokej Bill) on coming into a meeting and challenged to do so as a joke. Anyway, I couldn’t sleep so I came down for some beer, having already had a couple of shots of rum when I came down for some gift tags. So this morning I was very tired. I watched a little of David Attenborough, had a couple of eggs (I have been having nothing but cereal recently) and was then too late to go in on the bike, so Dad dropped me off. Tired, I had had a couple of coffees and I noticed that I was tending towards reverie (again, I must say that I have been thinking that this is and was always the case and that I merely notice it sometimes more than others, since these reveries come and go seamlessly, and it seems that I am able to maintain a degree of focus on whatever is going on in the background. Today much of it (that I recall) was based on ideas of setting up a future business selling glass made by the students, and ideas for making glass on my own and setting up my efforts in a row, engraving them with the text from Becket, fail again, fail better, and having it as a kind of motif on Master Kidderminster.