1> Rounding on a certain person at work due to his hostile stance when I load up the bus. I have been trying to put my finger on what I dislike about him [discussing same dislike at a peer supervision session] [slamming door of minibus when asked, in a straightforwardly hostile tone the guy has not yet produced, whether he can go, punching minibus walking down to narrowboat to sit, in some takes person in question coming down to apologise… crying now… being tearful in morning meeting and unable to respond or walking out. Key individuals I would like to feel more warm towards me seeing this. Asking kitchen staff if I could see the stock cube box they use to make the soup and the like. Doing so in an apologetic tone, ‘this might seem silly but…’ This after wondering whether it could have been the soup I had at lunch as opposed to the potato and celeriac mash that has made me so dreamy… My immediate boss making another comment about my ADD and me kicking and punching the new partition wall. This after wondering whether his comments earlier today could have had a negative effect on me he said if I don’t pay attention he can’t do anything for me (I had asked for a pay rise, saying I hadn’t received one. He told me today I had received one. I hadn’t checked my pay slips. Nor indeed could I find them.) … Me beating up wall again and going round to pick up students for the Woods bus after crying then splashing my face with water in the toilets. Jaffa asking where have you been? Me, having a fucking shit, now come on.] …for most of the day. Indeed, for the last few days when I have been working down the farm. I could in fact say, he has been one person I have been trying to [crying a lot now after a reverie in which I was queried about the broken partition wall, a workmate asking which student had done it, and me replying I had done it myself, and ‘coming out’ as ADHD saying that our boss had annoyed me by referring to my inability to pay attention, saying he wasn’t likely to do it again, this leading to our boss apologising in the morning meeting and praising me up, something that in the reverie I felt I could not deal with well, walking out of the meeting in tears, this a reflection of a statement about one student in today’s morning meeting, that he takes praise as being patronising] [This missing out a reverie in which I tell my next psychiatrist whom I’m hoping to get a referal to see in a few weeks’ time, that I have not been helped by anyone and have no reason to trust him; I forget the detail of this one].
2> Talking up in the meeting we’ll be having on Monday about transport issues. I have been doing this most of the way back. Mostly talking about what I find difficult. That I will be, for example, trying to tick off students’ names while the bus is inching forwards and the door being closed with an aggressive “can we go?” making it impossible to see through the condensation to identify the be-hoodied faces. But then also adding that I’m just sore cos I’m in a crowded room and so it’s maybe best to ignore my opinions anyway.
I forget the others, and it’s inevitable I wouldn’t be able to convey the experience. Suffice to say it is pretty tiring. This is one tiny fraction of what is going on when I am so distant and responding, say, with an angry, “WHAT?!” and a pained pulled face
Oh, and that was only one trigger/theme. The other is the peer supervision groups.
I felt earlier I was getting some kind of an insight about what it was all about. I wanted to sketch out one of those flow charts psychologists use at times to describe particular psychological problems.
Oats for breakfast
two oat flapjacks around half ten
soup and salad at half twelve
Mustard chicken with potato and celeriac garlic mash and broccoli for dinner
g/f corn flakes for supper